There are two very distinct experiences of riding in a car: (1) riding without a child; (2) riding with a child. No, I’m not talking about the anxiety of having your precious cargo in the backseat (that’s a much more serious topic of conversation that doesn’t belong here). So what exactly am I talking about?
Ever ride in a car with a child who never stops talking? That’s where I’m going with this. So on that note, I’ve decided to dig into the annals of my brain and go through of all of the things that happen during a car ride with two really loud children.
Does my child want the music on? Today the answer is yes. I’m still sitting in our driveway, so I get to fire up the Apple Music and cue up one of our usual requests: Daniel Tiger, Doc McStuffins, Justin Bieber. Oh goody!
But what if I’ve already pulled out of the driveway so I can’t use my phone? * Now I’m explaining that it’s not safe for mommy to use her phone, so you’ll have to settle for the good ol’ radio. So now I have to scan all twenty pre-set stations for one of their jams. No jams on the radio right now, commence epic question and answer session. Please, let me find a goddamn radio jam.
Or maybe my kid is in a “NO MUSIC!” mood. Okay then. I personally can’t get on board with this, but I guess I’ll go with it today. Guess we’ll be talking this whole ride. Cool by me. I talk a lot, so do my kids. So what kind of things do small children discuss when driving in the car? Well, let me provide a compilation of just today’s questions and comments, for a little flavor of what it’s like, just in case you don’t have small kids. And if you do, this should be all too familiar.
Kid: Where are we going?
Kid: I LOVE SCHOOL!
Parent: What do you think you will do at school today?
Kid: All of the stuff we do at school!
Parent: Like what kinds of things?
Kid: Are we there yet?
Parent: No, we are stopped at red light.
Kid: Which one is our red light?
Parent: The one on the right.
Kid: Which one?
Parent: On the right. That side [gestures with hand].
Kid. Oh. Are we there yet?
Parent: No. We are still at the red light.
Kid: Are we there yet?
Parent: No. We will be soon. You’re being very patient. It’s good to be patient.
Kid: I WILL SING A BEING PATIENT SONG!
Parent: You do that.
Kid: BEING PATIENT! BEING PATIENT! BEING PATIENT! BEING PATIENT! BEING PATIENT! BEING PATIEEEEEENT! ARE WE THERE YET?
Parent: Um, no.
Kid: Why is mommy is driving? Daddy is here.
Parent: Sometimes mommy drives when daddy is here.
[Loud truck passes on left]
Kid: Ah! That scared me!
Daddy: The truck? Or mommy driving?
Mommy: [gives middle finger, out of sight of small children]
[Whining from backseat]
Parent: What’s wrong back there?
Kid: I hurt my knee.
Parent: How did you hurt it?
Kid: He [baby brother] bit it… or something.
Parent: Did he actually bite you?
Kid: [under breath] Nooooo…
I could go on for days doing this. Needless to say, when I’m in the car by myself, I generally listen to inappropriate tunes. And then I catch an empty car seat in the corner of the rear-view mirror, and I immediate think to myself “OH MY GOD! I FORGOT MY KID AT HOME!” No, dumbass, you left the house alone. They’re with another adult. No, driving will never be the same.
Cheers to the weekend, friends!
*I digress here to be serious for one moment. Please do not use your phones when driving. I don’t give a shit what your excuse is. No calls, no texts, no Instagram, no Snapchat, no Facebook. It can wait.