These Things are Good Things!

I am sure most of you have read Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat. I’ll just assume this and move on (though you know what happens when you assume… sorry, bad joke).

Anyway, if you don’t remember, the Cat in the Hat takes these strange creatures with blue hair dressed in red onesies out of a giant box, and they proceed to wreak havoc all over the place.

My children are Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Should you need clarification as to what I mean, here’s a nice little excerpt, which pretty much sums it up:

Then those Things ran about

With big bumps, jumps and kicks

And with hops and big thumps

And all kinds of bad tricks.

And I said,

“I do NOT like the way that they play!

If mother could see this,

Oh, what would she say!”

Oh, you ask what mother say, do you? Here’s my answer: STOP DESTROYING MY HOUSE!!!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining that my children get along. Truly, I understand that I am lucky in this regard. However, when your kids get along as well as mine do, they scheme, they collude, and they do everything in the name of mischief to drive mommy up the flippin’ wall.

My son is not yet two-years-old but has decided that he doesn’t need naps at home. We’ve narrowed the issue down as FOMO (fear of missing out) because he doesn’t want to miss one second of time with his sister. So lately I have been considering his car naps as a blessing, which is hilarious because the car nap used to be my most hated enemy.

Today’s nap occurred in a parking lot at 10am, so you can imagine what my children were acting like by 4pm.

My son has assaulted the snack cabinet so many times (picture: shaking the cabinet as hard as he can), that he conveniently broke the child lock. I can’t get the f***ing thing off of the cabinet, even though it doesn’t actually hold the doors closed anymore. [Let me digress for a minute to ask: what is the point of this? If the child safety lock can be broken by a small child, then why do I have to use wire clippers to get the broken lock off?]

Needless to say, my children are now helping themselves to everything they can find in this giant pantry-sized cabinet. So while we had a friend over for a play date this afternoon, my children did all of the following (among other things; this is just a sampling):

  • took popcorn chips out of the cabinet for “lunch”
  • uncovered unopened container of juice boxes and chanted “JUICE JUICE JUICE!”
  • emptied a sleeve of Oreos onto the floor
  • dumped (previously hidden) candy container onto the floor
  • opened a bag of lollipops
  • unwrapped lollipop (which I took away)
  • dumped out lollipops again
  • unwrapped second lollipop (which I took away again)
  • knocked candy container off of counter (after mommy moved it out of reach, or so she thought)
  • unwrapped third lollipop

I’m sure I (more often than not) see my kids’ behavior as more wild than in actually is – you know, basically the opposite of rose-colored glasses (perhaps we can call them “crap-colored glasses?”). But today, we had company. I warned her – visit at your own risk. I knew I wasn’t wearing my crap-colored glasses today, because she looked right at me and said “Oh wow, you’re right. They are wild today.” When your super nice and very courteous friend comes over and tells you that your kids are nuts… yeah, they’re nuts.

So, I’ll go back to Dr. Seuss for some comfort. What else does the Cat in the Hat say about Thing One and Thing Two?

You will see something new.

Two things. And I call them

Thing One and Thing Two.

These Things will not bite you.

They want to have fun.

So, don’t be scared of my kids. They’re just having fun. Maybe I’ll stop by tomorrow and drop them off at your house. That’s cool, right?

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