Retro What? Why are My Kids So Whacky?

Okay, people.

So I’m generally (read: basically never) one to believe in crazy phenomena. Like when the dog acts crazy and someone says “Oh, it’s the full moon.” Eh, not so much.

But lately I’ve been wondering…

My kids have been certifiable for the past few weeks. Back in the days when I wasn’t an old lady, I’d pull all-nighters, usually for school. Around 4 a.m., I would always break into hysterics, either by crying or laughing uncontrollably. That’s essentially how my kids have been acting every single day. Last week was a particular doozy (tantrums up the wazoo and a work emergency had me wanting to pull my already-greying hair out). Who are these children?! Please return the sane ones (or regularly crazy, just not over-the-top whack ones).

I kept reading about this Mercury in Retrograde poppycock, so I consulted the ever-reliable Dr. Google to see what it was all about.

Let me tell you – my cogs started turning.

What is Mercury in Retrograde, anyway? Mercury allegedly appears to move backwards for a period of time. Apparently, this year’s Mercury in Retrograde ran from December 3 until December 22 (that means it ends today…). In a nutshell, everyone’s lives go into chaos for these 2.5 weeks. Take note of my skepticism by my use of the words “allegedly,” “appears,” and “apparently.”

But don’t get your hopes up. Even though Retrograde ends today (woohoo?), there’s the two-week nonsense that comes after it called Mercury in Retroshade, which allegedly (again, allegedly) lasts until January 10 (or thereabout). So I guess I can expect my kids to act like complete maniacs until then. I suppose this is the scientific version of giving shade (we parents take a lot of s&*#).

So is everything being turned upside down because of the planets? Is that really possible? Or are my kids certifiable because the excitement built up between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is enough to make any person, let alone a small person who lacks impulse control and delayed gratification, lose his or her freakin’ mind?!

Will I ever know? Likely not. Not unless our family stops celebrating holidays (and going outside and coming into contact with other humans). So as long as Mercury decides to move backwards around the holiday time, we’ll all be wondering why our kids are acting like caged monkeys.

And, let’s be frank here. Isn’t it easier to blame the planets (a.k.a forces beyond our control) for our children’s whackadoo behavior than to point our fingers back at ourselves for the endless amount of holiday hype we assault them with daily? I don’t know about you, but I’m sure as heck not blaming myself for their behavior! Why take responsibility when I could deflect?

Now excuse me while I overstimulate my kids for the next two weeks. When they inevitably break down, I’ll just blame Mercury.

Happy Holidays from our band of whackos to yours!

Mama out.

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